On “feeling” fat….

As long as I’ve kept a journal, I’ve obsessed about my weight. In fact, journaling has always been my outlet to get my crazies out in a way that doesn’t have complete strangers warning their children not to stare.

A typical journal entry for me tends to be:

Today I’m having a good/bad day because I’ve gained/lost weight.
Blah blah blah PROGRESS plan blah blah PROGRESS.

As I’m going through several years of journal entries…a few things stick out to me….

My heaviest and lowest weights are within 30 pounds of each other. This has been true since middle school.

My mood on any given day is not contingent on the weight itself, but rather was in relation to the day before. Down equals good, up equals bad.

I tend to not record my weight on entries that involve friends or love interests.

When my weight dips to the low end of my “normal” spectrum, I rather quickly lose my mind. I buy shit I don’t need, make elaborate plans that are never followed through on, and write it all down in a fit of crazy.

The higher my weight gets, the lower my goal weight gets.

I have never made it to any of my goal weights.

There is a specific point that I have never been able to move beyond, despite herculean efforts.

As I approch my specific point, but before I begin my “herculean efforts,” I actually begin to develop interests outside of myself.

I start out a journal hoping for “perfection,” and when that perfection is lost, I quit.

I’m not yet sure what to do with this information. What I have noticed is that some months I will be lamenting about weighing 138 pounds because I’ve gained a pound, and other months I will weigh 154, but be thrilled because I had previously weighed 155. You see how that works?

Yesterday I had a coffee drink. I’ve been doing Weight Watchers (for the second time) and I get a daily “points” allowance of 20 per day. I bought this little coffee drink and thoroughly enjoyed it as I walked around Union Station on my lunch break. I got back to my desk at work and went online to check the nutrition facts of this particular item so that I could write it down in my little notebook.

It turned out to be 14 points.

This is usually the point in the story where I freak out.

This is usually the point in the story where I rush home, down a fistful of laxatives, and fast until the weigh-in.

This time I didn’t.

I wrote the drink down in my notebook, forgave myself, and moved on. I decided that I wasn’t even going to the gym to burn off those illicit calories. I stayed home and watched Australia’s Biggest Loser on YouTube. I read for a while, had a veggie burger, knitted, and went to bed. It was nice.

Today is the day I would normally “feel” fat.

Fat is not a feeling. Guilt is a feeling.

I refuse to feel guilty. How’s that for progress?

Own it!


~ by jamiesnydertv on April 29, 2009.

2 Responses to “On “feeling” fat….”

  1. Hurrah!!! That’s the kind of realisation I am still trying to achieve. At least self-acceptance does not come with a number attached as some sort of goal number.

  2. Very nice.

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