My Ideal Me…

When you close your eyes and imagine yourself in your ideal state of being, what do you see?

When I imagine the person I want to be, I imagine myself outdoors, either in a cafe or in a park. My hair is long and natural and worn down, my face is free of makeup. I am wearing loose-fitting khaki pants and some sort of long tank top. I am calm. I am neither hungry or full, free of obsession. Somehow, I have nowhere else to be. The weather is warm and I am with one or two intimate friends, enjoying coffee or some other drink. A worn paperback is in my bag. These small details seem so silly but contribute to the larger picture of who I would like to be.

My hair is not long. I own the clothes in question but never wear them because a lifetime of stress-eating makes them uncomfortable at times. I wear makeup every day and feel naked without it. I am so often rushing about, either acquiring or delegating something, and wherever I am I usually wish I was someplace else. My close friends are usually as harried and rushed as I am. It is not always sunny. I typically gulp down my drinks, whatever they are. It is not usually a book in my bag, but rather a PDA and an MP3 player, which I check constantly.

I’ve tried to manufacture my mental image of myself into my real life, but I keep hitting snags. Instead of enjoying the cup of chamomile tea I have placed beside my computer, I sit here wondering if the cup I am drinking from could be bigger, more colorful, more special. I begin daydreaming about how I should start using biodegradable shampoo, and ultimately go to the store and not only buy the shampoo, but the conditioner, styling products, blush, lipstick and fishnet stockings.

It should be no surprise that my current lifestyle isn’t working for me, and yet it is. I live paycheck-to-paycheck and still wonder, when facing unemployment for the third time this year, why I chose to go drinking every weekend and buy the latest $28 blush when I know for a fact that I will be in this situation yet again. Why have I felt it was ok to work as a temp for two years? Why do I feel that it is perfectly acceptable to waste every paycheck when I do not know when the next one is coming? For the third time this year I will come home from the final week of a temporary job, look at my cupboard full of rice and bathroom full of $16 lipgloss and wonder what the hell happened. My manic behavior obviously goes way beyond my financial situation. When will I get real?

Earlier today I got a plastic shopping bag and laid waste to my caboodle case. I threw away everything that isn’t coming with me to California (the mental pile of things that are coming with me keeps getting smaller). As that bag went into the dumpster, a weight was lifted. I do not need those things.

How do I get from the image I have now to the image I aspire to have? How to I begin to become who I dream of being? Granted, the Jamie in my imagination doesn’t have a career or a place to live. She is just perfectly content in being in her moment. Maybe that it the secret. My hair will grow, I know where my friends are and every summer has it’s share of sunny days. I can face the world bare-faced. The library has a wealth of paperbacks and I can leave my PDA at home. It is time to become who I am meant to be, even if I don’t quite know who she is.

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~ by jamiesnydertv on May 18, 2009.

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