to the men who….

…count the calories in my dessert. I can count, thank you.

…compusively read tshirts out loud. I can read, thank you.

…read their own tshirts out loud to me, every time they wear it. “My mother thinks I’m special” wasn’t funny the first time, nor is it funny now.

…constantly ask which magazine models I would “do.” If I was interested in women, I wouldn’t be dating you.

…drunk dial me everytime he comes up with a new theory on why we broke up. It’s been 10 years, dude.

…recite word-for-word dialogue of stupid movies. Monty Python is terrific, but hearing “your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries” over drinks is pathetic. Are you really that short on original dialogue?

…friend me on Facebook when we dated for about a week several years ago. Dude, no.

…claim years later that I was “the one that got away.” Sucks to be you.

…pop up in my email asking if I “still put out.”

…tell me how much my entree costs.

…wax poetic on how hot they find certain celebrities, hoping I’ll join in.

…think “wagging” their penis is cute.

…think “blow me” is an appropriate end to an argument.

…play “fuck, marry, kill.”

…describe women on their basis of  “doability.”

…demand a “fashion show” following an innappropriate gift of underwear. I didn’t tell you to spend $200 at Frederick’s. I don’t owe you anything. Anyway, why do you think I would like a corset and thigh-high stockings?

…don’t have the testicular fortitude to turn down my advances.  If you’re not interested, then don’t lead me along. Simple, right?

…call and leave several messages despite knowing that I am at work/school or otherwise busy.

…verbally berate waiters and bartenders. It doesn’t make you look like a big shot. It makes you look like a total cunt.

…expect me to be “crazy” in bed while only offering their own vanilla humping. The last time I checked, I wasn’t putting on a show, and if I was, I’d charge admission and get a larger audience.

…get jealous when I dare to smile at other people.

…order me the small sandwich when I specifically asked for a large in an attempt to control my food intake.

…start talking about marriage and babies on the first date because they assume its what I want to hear.

…show me pictures of their kids as a come on. It’s great that you’re so up front with telling me you have kids, but whipping the photos out is a red alert that baby’s momma is floating around somewhere.

…get all pouty when I need to go work out when you want to sit on the couch and order pizza.

…assume that I don’t want your friends over watching the game.

…assume that I don’t want you to have friends. If you don’t want to hang out with them, then don’t use me as an excuse.

…assume that I don’t like your friends.

…assume that I’m going to leave you for one of your friends.

…think that flashing me on your way to take a shower will entice me to join you.

…fail to trim their toenails.

…place their need for sexual release under my responsibility.

…try to make me feel guilty when they “have to” jack off. If you’re going to jack off, then jack off. It’s part of the human experience.

…act like they are doing me a “favor” by snacking on my whisker biscuit. Get over yourself.

…ask me to “meet them halfway” over something they bought.

…interrogate me over purchases I made with money I earned at my job.

…act flabbergasted when I haven’t seen a movie they enjoy. I’ve never seen The Godfather and have managed to live a rich, full life despite this obvious handicap.

…get all bent out of shape when I don’t want to spend every waking moment with them.

…get all bent out of shape when I don’t want to “just taste this really good hamburger.” I am a vegetarian, even when your steak is impossibly good.

…invite their mother to everything.

…smoke clove cigarettes and claim that they are “better” for you than regular cigarettes. Actually, you shouldn’t smoke it all. It’s gross.

…think that anything could ever occur that would obligate me to “owe” them a sexual favor.

… expect perfect cleanliness from me but still pollute my house.

…say that I “wouldn’t understand” without trying to explain.

DON’T BE SURPRISED WHEN I DON’T CALL YOU BACK.

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~ by jamiesnydertv on July 21, 2009.

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