Jamie’s list of libido-killers….

Ah, yes. It is time for me to hate on men once again. The following is a list of things that make my legs close faster than a subprime mortgage lender at the height of the housing bubble. Please, I have my standards. Please don’t come near me if you are currenly in possesion of or do the following things… 

Yellow Teeth. Seriously, that shit is nasty. You’re a grownup. Brush your fucking teeth.

Those little balls of white deodorant that get caught in your pit hair. Either use a gel deodorant or trim your pit hair. You can also try using less deodorant. It’s not fucking complicated.

Those little balls of white deodorant when they fall out of your pit hair. I don’t want it on my body, in my car or on my couch. That shit doesn’t vacuum out.

Public ballscratching. Seriously, preserve a little mystery. I’m fully aware that they get sticky and need to be adjusted from time to time, but seeing you scratch them just makes me wonder what shit you’ve got festering down there.

Public face-picking. You don’t think I see you doing that? I’m talking to you why you do it. Get a grip.

Letting the waistband of your tightie whities show.  Wear a fucking belt if your pants slide down. I’m sure you’re fully capable of dressing yourself.

Tightie whities, in general. I don’t care to date 8-year-old boys.

Stinking up my bathroom. Take care of that at home.

Jorts. “Jean shorts” for those of you who aren’t familiar. What are you, twelve? I know it’s hot outside, that’s what khakis are for. Grow the fuck up.

Responding to innuendo with “What do you mean by that?” You know exactly what I mean. I just said it. I’m not going to repeat myself because you are too stupid to keep up.

Genital waxing, shaving, or any manscaping beyond a basic trim. I know it makes your dick look bigger. It also gives you away as someone who *thinks* his dick needs to look bigger.

Ed Hardy clothing items. You are a douche.

Scuzzy fingernails or toenails. You don’t fucking wash your feet?

Jaggedly-cut fingernails or toenails. It’s not like trimming your nails takes a lot of fucking time.

Tshirts with “clever” slogans. It wasn’t funny when I saw it in the window at Hot Topic, and it’s not funny now. You wear the same tired joke over and over again, what does that say about your personality

Wearing bracelets. I know it felt really special when you plunked down your $12.99 and the guy at Spencer’s Gifts got your “sterling” silver piece of shit out of the glass case, but you’ve since graduated from high school and stopped going to “all ages” dance clubs. At least, I hope you did.

“Portrait” tattoos. I don’t want to see the picture that the tattoo artist drew it from, either.

Gauged earrings. I can’t seriously believe you got those things as didn’t see floppy loops of flesh in your future. Dumbass.

Eating in the car. You aren’t going to starve to death in the 15 minutes between the drive-thru and wherever the fuck you’re going. Get a grip.

Eating while walking down the street. Nobody want to see that shit.

Talking overly loud in a public place. Everyone else in the coffee shop isn’t as interested in hearing about you as I am. Actually, I’m not even that interested.

Chain wallets. I realize that everyone else you smoke cigarettes with before your community college English class has them, but I hate them too.

Sweat pants. If you are too lazy to pull up a zipper or too fat to pull up your regular pants, you don’t belong in the world.

Letterman jackets or senior tshirts. That shit is just embarassing.

Having the inability to sit with your legs closed. I can see your balls. Everyone else can see your balls. Nobody wants to see your balls.

Achieving only part of the standards for your dream profession, and asking “Doesn’t that count for anything?” It doesn’t. At all. If the Army tells you to lose 25 pounds and you lose 15, you don’t get in. If you fall 3 units short of earning your degree, you don’t get your degree. See how that works?

Now that you have been warned, please understand that I will point and say “ewwww, gross!”  if you are guilty of any of these infractions. I’ve put up with them enough. The world has put up them enough. You guys are disgusting.

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~ by jamiesnydertv on October 10, 2009.

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