Having a food crisis….

Today I went to the mall with my ex-father-in-law and my ex-sister-in-law. We weren’t shopping for anything in general, and we decided to stop for lunch at the food court. I went to Hot Dog on a Stick and I got a single veggie corn dog with extra mustard.

I ate the corn dog with them, and needing to use the restroom, excused myself. After using the facilities, I promptly burst into tears, berating myself over and over for being a stupid idiot and asking myself why in the world did I have to eat a corn dog? I was an epic meltdown, one I hadn’t experienced since my freshman year of college when I weighed 72 pounds (having lost weight from 199.8 pounds) and was threatened with expulsion if I refused to seek help. This was a crisis on par with that first plate and that first weigh-in at the beginning of recovery.  I am a 26-year-old woman, having a full-blown tantrum over a corn dog in a public bathroom.

Rewind to last night.
Sitting at home alone, I made myself a slightly-too-strong whiskey sour, drank it on an empty stomach and after exhausting my iPhone battery by listening to Pandora and dancing around the house and decided that it would be the perfect time to text Chaste Hug Guy and tell him not only that I had intense feelings for him of undying love and affection, but that these feelings are unrequited. I basically told him everything that I didn’t want to say, and probably made him feel like a real asshole.

The first thing I thought about this morning was the guilt. I really put him on the spot, and to his credit he responded in the most honorable way possible. He didn’t lie, attempt to placate or ignore me. He verbally picked me up, held me at arm’s distance, and set me aside to sort myself out.

I’m quite ashamed and embarrased for myself. I’ve apologized profusely, but having laid all my cards on the table, I’m not sure how I’ll be able to pick them up.

I am fat, stupid, ugly, incapable and worthless. The only thing I have eaten today has been that single corn dog. I logged it in my iPhone calorie-counting software, but since the specific corn dog I had eaten was not in the database, I entered a “generic” 500 calories. The published nutritional guidelines for Hot Dog on a Stick put that particular menu item at 180 calories, but I don’t trust it.

And of course, I know it is not “about” the food.  I know that my embarassment over last night’s transgressions have manifested themselves into an obsession over lunch, but I’m not sure what I should do with those realizations. All I know is that I can’t un-say what I said, but at least I can sit here alone and obsess over a corn dog.

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~ by jamiesnydertv on December 20, 2009.

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