A couple of weeks ago, Chaste Hug Guy gave me a guitar.

Its really nothing fancy, just a blue 3/4 practice guitar with a rounded fiberglass box. He was cleaning out a storage unit and asked me if I would like to have it.

I’ve been playing with it every day ever since.

Due to my ex draining my bank account on a regular basis when I was in DC, I had no money to my name and was forced to sell several things in order to be able to afford my one-way plane ticket out of there. My beloved pine Epiphone guitar was one of those things. It had brought me many years of happy sounds and while I’ve never really taken lessons, I had taught myself a few chords and found playing it a happy escape from the violence  and isolation that submerged me.  

These days, the circumstances are much happier, and I do not run to it to escape. Rather, I’ve been running to it to find my center. I’ve taught myself eight new chords in the past week. I look forward to learning new things, and I have even dared to look forward to taking lessons.

Not having anything to ever look forward to was why I left DC. Every day was the same. I could never have anything, because he would take it. I could not make any plans, because they would be canceled. I could never earn any money, because he would spend it. The only thing I ever felt during that time was a constant dread of what would be taken from me next. I couldn’t celebrate holidays because they were “stupid.” I could never express joy or sadness or love because that would have been “too dramatic.”

So, as I heal, I am making plans. I have a future now. I look forward to coming home and tinkering with a little blue guitar and maybe even making plans for what I would like to do next. Being able to look forward to things is something I haven’t experienced in a long time.  Fingering new chords is a way to exercise a voice that has been silenced for too long.

Sometimes, “thank you” is never quite enough.


~ by jamiesnydertv on December 21, 2009.

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