Jamie’s Dating Manifesto……

So if I’m going to be entering the dating pool again, I should probably have some idea as to how I’d like to be treated. I’ve taken too much crap over the years for men I’ve “made exception” for, mostly at the cost of my own heartbreak.

1. If you cancel on me once, you are forgiven. Cancel on me twice, and I’m not interested. Likewise, I do not wait by the phone or hold out hope for a last minute date. I will find something else to do.

2. I love myself too much to carry on with someone in a relationship, no matter how “open.” I will not waste my time as the other woman. I will not hold out hope that you will leave her and confess your undying love for me. Don’t tell me it’s complicated, I don’t need that shitstorm.

2 1/2. Do not attempt to have sex with me unless you are ok with anyone else knowing. I might have a one-night stand with you, but I will not keep it a secret. I will not lie to cover your ass. You have been warned.

3. I will not say “I love you first.” I’ve done it too many times and gotten the “me too” answer. Ball’s in your court.

4. I have no problem paying for dates, loaning money, etc, but the instant you start making plans for my paycheck, I WILL CUT YOU OFF. Hoping that I will pay for pizza is not the same as planning that I will pay for pizza. Questions about what days I get paid are none of your business and will not get answered.

5. I appreciate cards, but failing to sign the card with more than your name just exposes you as a lazy asshat.

6. You will never refer to me as “Sweetie,” “Cutie,” “Shorty” or “Daaaaamn!” I have a name and you will use it. If I am your girlfriend, you will introduce me as your girlfriend Jamie. To do otherwise lets me know exactly where I stand, and I will move on.

7. I am extremely open minded and experimental when it comes to sex, but be forewarned that I am equal opportunity. If you enjoy putting things in my ass, you must also enjoy having things put in your ass. I do not want to hear the “I’m not gay” excuse. Having my finger in your ass is no gayer than sticking your dick in mine.

8. If you ask me what I want for my birthday, I will tell you. If I say I want a bunch of daffodils, that is exactly what I want. If we are out somewhere and I admire something that you offer to buy me, and I say no, DO NOT BUY IT. See? Simple!

9. If you do your Valentine’s day shopping at CVS, I will fucking cut you. Gifts, for any occasion, should involve going out of your way to aquire it. Chocolate comes from a chocolate store and lingerie comes from a lingerie store.

10. If I am going out with some friends, do not get mad that I don’t “check in” with you, because I won’t. I will call you later.

11. Telling me that you miss me after we’ve gone out once is a guarantee that we won’t be going out again.

12. Movies are not dates. I presume that since you asked me out that you want to know me better. I said yes because I want to know you better. Sitting in silence in a dark theatre does not help us know one another better. I will remember more about the movie than I remember about you.

13. Calling me the next day is awesome! If I don’t hear from you within a day or two of exchanging numbers or going out, then I will assume that you are not interested and move on.

14. If I do not understand a political view or a word you use or something else that you are speaking of, use the opportunity to educate me. I do not know everything, and since I am out with you it means that I might want to know more about you. Highlighting my ignorance on the nuances of Darfur, stock trading, wine, cars, or any other subject makes you look like a douche.

15. If you ask me out, and I say yes, it is because I want to go out with you. Doubting yourself is not sexy. I do not go out with people “to be nice.” I know how to say no.

16. I don’t need to be right all the time. I don’t need a doormat. The sexiest men I know can go toe-to-toe with me in an argument. Besides, being right all the time is boring.

17. If you berate my body, I will share it with someone else who appreciates it.

18. If you make a date with me and then “forget,” you will not have the opportunity to reschedule.

19. A “cheap” date (going for a walk, going to a museum, having coffee, going to the playground) is typically more meaningful than an expensive dinner.

20. If you DO take me out for an expensive dinner, I will appreciate it until you mention the prices of things. I know how much things cost, I can read the menu and I do not need you to tell me that my drink cost eight dollars.

21. Do not comment on my menu selection. Sometimes I eat light and sometimes I don’t. Do not accuse me of either being “on a diet” or being “a big eater.” I also order dessert at will, and do not need you to talk me into or out of it.

22. If you call me and I am not available, leave ONE message and I will call you back. Do not annoy me with having to listen to several of your messages. If you have left a message, I will listen to it and call you back when I am available.

23. When you come over, bringing food for us to share is sweet. Bringing food for you is shitty.

23. There is a distinct possibility that I will want to sex you up later in the date. Plan your food choices accordingly. Do not eat/drink so much that you cannot perform or choose menu items that make you gassy.

24. Being mean to waiters and servers will get you nowhere. I may even leave.

25. If you have weed, I will smoke it. If I have weed, I will share it. I will not, however, go on a drug run with you. Plan ahead.

26. I work out. A lot. I eat extremely healthy foods. Do not try and convince me that I “don’t have to.” That’s a really stupid argument. I am fit and thin because I workout and eat healthy. Do not try to sabotage my efforts by trying to convince me to stay on the couch with you.

27. Please have other interests besides me. I spend all day with myself, and know everything there is to know about me. To have you completely wrapped up in what makes me happy or sad or whatever I’m doing is redundant. Please have a hobby.

28. If you ridicule certain things about me, you will not see them. I will keep my enjoyment of microbrews, goofy shows I watch and whatever I’m into that day to myself. As a result you will miss out on knowing me as well as you could have.

29. Break up with me if you want to break up with me. I understand. it sucks, I know, but grow a pair and take care of your business.

30. If you cheat on me, we’re done. No discussion, no explaination. You will not have time to get your shit out of my house. I will mail you a donation reciept from Goodwill for your taxes.

31. If you come over for dinner and bring condoms, you’re just being prepared and I applaud you. However, please preserve a little mystery…do not walk in my door carrying your condoms in Walgreen’s shopping bag with a pack of gum and bottle of Gatorade. Also, bringing a toothbrush to my house is just presumptuous.

32. Chew with your mouth closed. Also, sit with your legs closed.

33. There will come a time when I will want to be in your house. Do not tell me that this is your house and your parents are “just visiting,” because I will totally call you on that shit.

34. I do not necesarily care if you are balding, overweight, have a small penis, etc. If I’m going out with you, I probably find you attractive and interesting. Repeatedly alluding to your thinning hairline makes me think that there’s not that much else to you. It is not up to me to assuage your insecurities.

35. Arguing with the waiter over the bill is just shitty, especially if I am the one paying.

36. If I have just cause, I WILL ask the waiter how much you tipped.

37. I do not want to hear about your ex, your mother, or any of your woman issues.

38. If you say you want to hire me, I will hold out on you sexually until you do. If I had sex with you and you ended up hiring me, it would be unprofessional. If I had sex with you and you were just promising me a job to get me in the sack, I’m a fool.

39. Do not attempt to “send a message” with a gift. Do not buy me clothes in the size you wish I was. I will exchange them for the proper size and wear them on my next date, with someone else.

40. Ordering yourself a drink while waiting for me to arrive is acceptable. Ordering four drinks is not. I will leave.

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~ by jamiesnydertv on April 6, 2009.

6 Responses to “Jamie’s Dating Manifesto……”

  1. I love YOU!!!! Is that a turn off?!?! Hahaha. I learned so much and laughed my ass off right here at my desk…I had to cover my mouth after I read some of your stuff…mainly because I know you are not joking!!!! Nice.

    • I’m doing a public service here! Print this out and reread before your next date.

  2. This is fantastic. Truly hilarious because it’s so dead on. Thanks.

  3. Jamie you are an amazing woman I hope I meet you one day! You would be intriguing to hang out with!

    #2 1/2 was my favorite LOL!

    • I’m told I’m a lot of fun!
      We should totally plan a meetup…I bet you smell really good!

  4. […] He’s done. I simply refuse to allow people to treat me this way. I am forced to refer him to dating rule #1. Besides, it’s just an immature thing to do when you make plans and something else comes […]

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